(Dis)Honoring Unwritten Agreements

Apparently, I have a hard time with this aspect of life. I just keep screwing people over left and right and am spending many hours of my life wrestling with feelings of guilt and just overall shitty-ness. It's times like these where I wish I didn't care about what other people thought of me so much; I wish I could be one of those inconsiderate assholes who doesn't listen to anyone and isn't affected by what other people say and do. Like the people who cancel plans with you ten minutes before you leave the house. Or—even better—the people who don't show up at all and don't feel an ounce of guilt or regret for their despicable behavior.

TO GET TO THE POINT... (And I want to make it especially clear that I'm not "airing my dirty laundry" or talking shit on this woman behind her back. I'm simply stating my frustrations and my personal feelings right now.) I told the woman I'm living with that I would need a room for a month. I moved in on May 28, and I expected to be out by June 28. Maybe July 1, depending on what kind of apartments I found. I said I'd start looking for a place to live as soon as I got to town and I truly believed that I wouldn't find anything of my liking for weeks. I was so stressed about apartment hunting; I never, ever thought I would find something we both liked for an affordable price on the very first day we looked. I honest to God thought I'd be here the full month.

But then we found a place. And we like it—a lot. We're super excited to move in and start our lives together in NYC. And (unbelievably, for me at least), we both feel this way. We're on the same page, we're asking the same questions, we're ready—although we're both a little scared—to do this. Clearly, my mind is full of "what if"s and other questions, so the last thing I want to deal with is more stress. But, I suppose I asked for it...

I BROKE OUR AGREEMENT. I said I'd stay here a month, expecting to truly need a full month. And now I don't. And the woman I'm living with his angry, for a number of reasons that I completely understand. First, I'm not paying her the amount we agreed on because I won't be here a full month. Second, she told me to stay away from a certain area, and I've decided to move there anyway. I thought of a third earlier, but now I forget it. Regardless, I felt horrible about this decision before I even made it. I asked for a July 1 move-in date and the landlord pushed for June 15. We didn't want to lose the apartment, and he'd already agreed to take the rent down a bit for us, so I agreed to June 15. I need somewhere to live; I can't tell him to shove off. It's not like I did this on purpose. It's not like I set out thinking that I would just use her and her bedroom and then leave her in the dust. I offered to pay the full amount, and she refused to accept it. I listened to and considering her warnings about the area we are choosing to live in, and I respect her opinions, but I can't make this decision based on one person's warnings.

THIS NEEDS TO BE SAID, so I apologize for digressing a bit: I have done my research, I have spoken to multiple brokers now, and I keep finding the same answer. To quote Steve Perre from Good Times Realty (Check him out if you need a place to live in NYC!):


"The area is fine and safe. They say west of Broadway tends to be a safer / nicer area. As a member of the extended family, I don't mind being quite frank. Anytime you're talking about an area that's been gentrified certain people panic, lol. With that said, I can attest to the fact that you're good to go."

Now, Steve is not my broker. He is a friend of my aunt's and he is not looking for a sale or to rip me off. He offered to help me out and answer any questions I had about any neighborhoods in New York and so I emailed him when people started giving me crap about the area we were looking in. He has no reason to be dishonest with me. He could've said, "You'll hate it there. You'll constantly be in danger. Your broker is scum. Come with me and I'll show you a nicer place to live! I want you to pay my fees!" But he didn't. I trust him; my aunt trusts him; his girlfriend trusts him; his girlfriend's mother trusts him. I trust his opinion.

SO, BACK TO THIS WHOLE THING... I feel like crap. I feel so guilty about not fulfilling my end of the agreement. Every time someone mentions this arrangement in the future, I'm going to reflect upon it poorly. And I know I'm going to do it, because that's kind of how I'm feeling about what I did to my old office. I never signed a contract stating that I needed to give two weeks' notice before I quit, but it's typically understood in the business world. I couldn't give two weeks, though. He wanted me on May 28, I pushed for June 4, and we settled at May 30. I only had twelve days to find a place to stay, pack, and figure out how to move to NYC. It's just like this move: I didn't expect it to be so soon, but it is, and I have to find a way to deal with it. Part of me felt horribly guilty that I couldn't give my old boss better notice. But I couldn't pass up the opportunity I'd been given, just like I can't pass up the apartment we found.

I know people have bigger problems in life, and I really shouldn't waste time whining about this one, but I've just been feeling so bad about it. I avoided her all Thursday night, even though I guess we were supposed to talk about it, and then I did not want to come back today. I dreaded walking in this building from the time I boarded the bus in W-B to the time I put my key in the door here because I knew a confrontation was waiting for me inside. How many more will there be? How long can I hide from someone in their own home? When will I stop carrying this crappy feeling around with me?